Smoothies and Leonidas

I fall victim to social media peer pressure. If you show me an ad even if it’s not in the form of an ad, after a while it will become a part of my thought process and I put it on my to-do list. That’s how after a month of seeing Los Angelenos debate the prices of items at Erowhon it finally became somewhere I had to go. I must preface this by telling you that I spent 6 years eating the Gourmet Ghetto in Berkeley and Berkeley Bowl was a constant lunch spot that I hit up.

I went to the cafe and deli sporadically. There aren’t stories of eating right or making wise choices while here. I went straight for the snacks and purchased sesame sticks and large corn nuts. Sometimes I would pick-up chocolate covered almonds and dehydrated green beans to mix it up a bit. This is to explain that upmarket grocery stores are old hat for the Bay Area and I definitely know how to snack in them. They’ve never impressed me, but on the flip side of the coin, I’ve never used them to purchase groceries - they’re snack stops. That’s why the Hailey Bieber shake stuck in my mind.

What kind of an asshole buys a $20 shake? Yes, there is definitely a demographic for it in Los Angeles, but there’s also people like me that will grab it out of curiosity. On a particularly boring winter break week night I found myself wondering what it tasted like. I headed to the Venice Beach location. I ordered online ahead of time because I didn’t know what the crowds would look like. My shake was ready in the pick-up area when I arrived.

Hailey Bieber. It wasn’t that hard to remember. When I perused the drinks on the menu my heart got stuck on the peanut butter shake -a concoction of peanut butter, organic almond milk, sea moss, and nutrients. The first thing I noticed about Erowhon Venice Beach is they have bar seats for you to eat in-house. There were at least three singles living their best life eating alone. I had picked up a chicken combo plate as well, but it felt like a plate I needed to eat in front of my TV.

I got into my car and sipped on the best smoothie I’d ever drank in my entire life. I actually spit the straw out and stared at it for a moment. It wasn’t hype, the drink was that damn good. Do you know how amazing my cigarette on the drive home was? I spent that evening and the better part of the morning thinking about that shake.

The next day was laundry day. It was the end of the year before Christmas laundry day. I was in sweats, a sports sweatshirt that may have had a “19” in the front of the year it was purchased, and my hair was in a messy bun. It’s the kind of attire only your local 7-11 worker knows you by. I wanted something to eat and I was still stuck on that peanut butter shake. I drove to Venice Beach again.

The parking lot was packed this night. I also forgot to order ahead so I would need to walk in. I’m self aware enough that I was ashamed of the way I looked, but it was just a quick in and out that would not involve much interaction so it wouldn’t be that bad. It was bad.

There was no one in line in the cafe, but this gentleman kept walking back and forth in front of the order line. He was looking for checkout. I’ve been there, you don’t want to stand in line so you check if you can just run your shopping cart through the cafe checkout. He might have, but I’m an asshole and I was standing there.

“Your line is over there,” I said.

Was there an edge to my voice? Possibly, I was hungry and he was in the way. He turned abruptly towards me, nodded, and walked to the right line. We all take stock of people that make eye contact with us. He was about the same height as me, good looking, and well dressed. Yes, I looked like garbage, but I was just there for a smoothie and then I would be on my way.

There were about five orders in front of me and so I took a seat in the singles area and waited. The guy that went to the long line at first? He was starting a ruckus at checkout. He was chatting so much that the cashier bagged up his groceries for him while he jabbered away. His plus one showed up and she looked like the kind of girl that shops in Venice Beach. She didn’t help with the groceries either. She just smiled and nodded at the cashier doing the work. He kept looking in my direction and I couldn’t figure out what was going on, then I realized he had a drink waiting at the cafe. He walked towards me hesitantly. I ignored him. I’d already chastised him once, there was no need to remind him.

As he waited for his drink he nervously looked over in my direction. He wanted something. I looked at the seat next to me and it had a jacket lying on it. Not just any jacket. A really sexy men’s utility jacket - it took me by surprise. It was the kind of aspirational clothing you would want someone that you called your own to be wearing. I almost touched it but thank goodness my hands were tucked under my arms. He walked over and reached for it and we made eye contact again for a moment. The sexy utility jacket…. belonged to Gerard Butler. The stares in the grocery store made sense now. Yeah, he was good looking, he wasn’t in 300 shape, but the body was exactly where it should be. I just didn’t connect who he was until I was staring at his jacket followed by his face.

I locked eyes with Leonidas, the champion of Sparta and the first thing I said to him was to get in the right line. Everyone can close their eyes and picture his body in that movie. In that moment, waiting for my peanut butter smoothie, I didn’t see it. I just saw a guy the same height as me who was in my way. It wasn’t until I laid eyes on that expensive jacket followed by his face again that I not only recognized him, but remembered how badly I looked. I’ll admit - I left with my ego intact. Laundry clothes day and my hair in a messy bun, I walked into the Erowhon Venice Beach and told the Machine Gun Preacher to step like I owned the place. My level of entitlement needs to be studied.

I was texting with a few friends while this was happening in real time. They all at some point asked the same question, “What are you doing shopping where Gerard Butler shops?” I have no idea. I saw a drink on TikTok and then I got hooked on the peanut butter smoothie. I’m coming back some day, Erowhon. I’ll shower first next time.